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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The smoothest fall of all time
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*