Vodka burrito was a success
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.