My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
lmao
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
he chose this
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…