Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
This is not me but this is me
Stop it! 😂
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
multitasking lunch
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”