today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.