How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Yep.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.