Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
me and who
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.