I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.