“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
repaired
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.