When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
New mindset, who dis?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys