Hey! This isn’t my car!
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“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?