Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
no their not
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
There’s no “u” in narcissist