Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Ah..makes sense now
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Ok but actually
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.