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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
good let them take over I have had enough
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Miscakes
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.