My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.