Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I will never stop laughing at this
i spent way too long on this
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.