When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.