6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Bobby pin
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*