My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London