If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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The “baby” on the left….
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still