FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I have obtained a hat
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.