pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”