[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Whoa 😂
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*