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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Batman v Dracula
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?