If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Why you watching this shit?”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.