I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks