What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
choose your fighter