Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”