Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%