I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”