me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
You Might Also Like
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I think we should hear other voices.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.