Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Interior design 👌
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad