Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.