When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.