If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
do what now??
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.