You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too