[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me irl
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“Huge”.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.