I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts