I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
everyone has that one prude friend
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*