2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Cndnsd Mlk
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene