what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
he chose this
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.