If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?