When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”