I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“I wouldn’t.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Finally! 😈
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.