*jazz hands*
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
#SCOTUS one-star review
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
next question.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.