Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*lint rolls you awake*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Best spoiler warning ever
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.