Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT