When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!