I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!