If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.